Mom stopped working. It was just too much for her. She began getting chills and fevers that lasted for hours on end. Each fever had to be recorded and a call into the doctor. More medication was prescribed, tests ran and numerous visits to the doctors.

Radiation stopped and we had that 6 week wait til she could get tested again to see what was going on. They kept telling her that the cancer never should have come back the second time and that she was not "text book".

From this point on things moved very fast and the doctors really pissed me off. They really had no idea what they were dealing with and yet they would not consult with any other facilities for help.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket" All too true!!!!!

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Getting back

Ok its time to getting back to our story. Last time I talked about how we found out that tumors on her spine were creating the pain in her back and she was starting radiation.

They started the treatments and started her on steriods. She continued working full time but she couldn't sleep at night. The steriods were keeping her awake and she was just drained all the time.

January 27th I was at work and got a call from her best friend there Kim. She told me that something was wrong with my mom and that Earl was coming to get her and take her to the hospital. My heart immediately started racing. She said that she thinks she might have had a stroke and that her BP was extremely high. I left work with weak knees and drove to the hospital where I knew they would go. I walked inside the ER and there they sat. They were making her wait with people throwing up around her. I was pissed. She was not to be exposed to sick people because of her immune system and there she sat with a little boy literally throwing up in a bowl 2 seats away.

She said she felt ok but I could tell she was worried. She said that she was at work talking to a co-worker and all of a sudden the papers that were in her hand fell to the floor and she couldnt speak or move. The co worker got the manager and they took her to an office where they took her BP.

The hospital visit ended up like this. Mom had a mini stroke. They said its a warning sign and that she could have more. She decided that she needed to stop working. The lack of sleep, working 9 hours a day and doing radiation at the age of 66 was just too much. I was soo relieved to hear this. At least maybe she could get some cat naps in the afternoon because she had been going for days without any sleep at all.

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January 18, 2008

One year ago this month we learned that mom had 2 tumors on her back. She was scheduled to have radiation everyday for 2 weeks then another MRI. She was having pain in her back at Christmas but did not want anyone to know for fear of "ruining the holiday". The things moms will do for their children. The tumors were starting to invade her spine which is where her pain was coming from so they put her on steroids to take the swelling down. Her first appointment was today. Mom felt very uneasy and unsure of her outcome this time. Many people tell me that cancer patients just "know". I don't understand this but I believe and respect it. Everyone is on pins and needles worrying if this is going to work. I'm going to start cleaning for her once a week so she can rest after her treatments. She is going to continue working as long as everything goes ok.

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Too much to remember

I was beginning to write again this week and just thought about going into my deleted email to see if there was anything there to remind me of what was going on at this time last year and WOW! I was amazed at all the SHIT my poor mom went through! It's just not fair and it really makes me sick to my stomach. First of all I forgot alot of information and 2 at the time I was just going throught the motions of everything, but as I read back I feel totally heart broken at all my mom had to endure. She was the best mom, grandma, friend and you have these pieces of shit running wild in the world harming others. It just doesn't make sense. However thats life right? So the story about mom will go on as I get all these email to my family members in order.

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Christmas Eve

I've decided to wait until after the New Year to continue my story about mom. I'm having way to many issues, anxiety and depressing moments as it is and I don't think recalling the past 3 years is in my best interest right now. However I will continue to post about whatever is on my mind like now.

The stress Im feeling right now I have NEVER felt at Christmas before. There are soo many things I have to do that mom took care of like Christmas dinner and organizing everything. I don't think my brothers, neices, step dad etc. realize what I'm going through. Everyone is depending on me. So today I will be baking a pie and cake for tomorrow and 10 pounds of potatoes for the inlaws. Finish wrapping my presents, laundry and SHOPPING all before heading over to the inlaws in the afternoon. We won't be getting back til late tonight to put the kids to bed and play Santa. Christmas morning I have to get up early put the ham in, watch the kids open presents, feed them, make potatoes, cleanup and get everyone showered and dressed to go to moms. I'll be taking the food and dessert down where I'll once again watch the kids and family members open gifts then head to the kitchen to make all the side dishes. This may not seems like alot but it's constant move move move. I wonder if maybe this isn't a blessing to keep me going so that my mind and emotions don't get the better of me. I'll just zoom past Christmas with no time to dwell on my grief and pissed off attitude that I don't have mom around. And to top it off I wrapped presents for my step dad on Sunday then on Monday I went back down to wrap more. These presents were from my mom that she had purchased from Jan - April. She had the presents marked who they went to and there I was sitting on the floor writing From: Grandma From: mom.

Do they even appreciate all that I'm trying to do for them? Did we appreciate all that mom did for us?

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People Are Strange!

Period. Seriously I believe there are more freaks out there in the world then there are decent human beings. I mean come on, people getting married on the internet that have never met and only spoken to thru email? I find this not only strange but very very weird. And then something happens to directly affects me. I start this blog and I meet a woman who is going through the same feelings and anxiety that I am from losing her mom. I have only left her a note here or there and she has left me acouple on my blog. However strange as it seems everytime I read her comment its like I get a jolt and my mind starts racing and I start recalling talks and situations with mom. I find this alittle odd but Im starting to wonder if both our moms are watching us and knowing my mom pointing and laughing. So Jennifer, owner of Thoughts in Chaotic Clarity and Stiletto Set Sports I hope that in telling my story you will gain strength and comfort from knowing that you are not alone and that we have truly been blessed by wonderful mothers.

So to sum up...I guess we are all alittle strange in different ways. But in the end you do whats best for you...its really all you can do.

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How to Handle A Christmas Without Mom

I really don't know how we are going to do this. Nothing is the same and it never will be. I had no idea that Christmas 07 would be our last with mom. She shopped all year and bought the neatest gifts. Her favorite shopping spot was QVC. Everyone joked when mom passed that QVC's stocks dropped. Her house was decorated to perfection and she had her cookies baked and a box of them sent up to my brothers family in Alaska long with their gifts. Christmas dinner was not something for us to help or worry about until it was over and we had clean up duty. She took all the pictures, watched us kids (3 plus spouses) and grandkids (9) (her love and joys) unwrap gifts while tending to the last minute dinner preperations. I mean everything was perfect from the minute you walked in the door. Christmas music poured out into the holiday air while mom and pap (as my kids call my stepdad) created this almost fairly tale like atmosphere just for us. They wanted no gifts (too bad) They always said that their gift was us being there. I would like that gift this year too....I would like the gift of one more Christmas with mom.

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