Christmas Eve

I've decided to wait until after the New Year to continue my story about mom. I'm having way to many issues, anxiety and depressing moments as it is and I don't think recalling the past 3 years is in my best interest right now. However I will continue to post about whatever is on my mind like now.

The stress Im feeling right now I have NEVER felt at Christmas before. There are soo many things I have to do that mom took care of like Christmas dinner and organizing everything. I don't think my brothers, neices, step dad etc. realize what I'm going through. Everyone is depending on me. So today I will be baking a pie and cake for tomorrow and 10 pounds of potatoes for the inlaws. Finish wrapping my presents, laundry and SHOPPING all before heading over to the inlaws in the afternoon. We won't be getting back til late tonight to put the kids to bed and play Santa. Christmas morning I have to get up early put the ham in, watch the kids open presents, feed them, make potatoes, cleanup and get everyone showered and dressed to go to moms. I'll be taking the food and dessert down where I'll once again watch the kids and family members open gifts then head to the kitchen to make all the side dishes. This may not seems like alot but it's constant move move move. I wonder if maybe this isn't a blessing to keep me going so that my mind and emotions don't get the better of me. I'll just zoom past Christmas with no time to dwell on my grief and pissed off attitude that I don't have mom around. And to top it off I wrapped presents for my step dad on Sunday then on Monday I went back down to wrap more. These presents were from my mom that she had purchased from Jan - April. She had the presents marked who they went to and there I was sitting on the floor writing From: Grandma From: mom.

Do they even appreciate all that I'm trying to do for them? Did we appreciate all that mom did for us?

Read more...

People Are Strange!

Period. Seriously I believe there are more freaks out there in the world then there are decent human beings. I mean come on, people getting married on the internet that have never met and only spoken to thru email? I find this not only strange but very very weird. And then something happens to directly affects me. I start this blog and I meet a woman who is going through the same feelings and anxiety that I am from losing her mom. I have only left her a note here or there and she has left me acouple on my blog. However strange as it seems everytime I read her comment its like I get a jolt and my mind starts racing and I start recalling talks and situations with mom. I find this alittle odd but Im starting to wonder if both our moms are watching us and knowing my mom pointing and laughing. So Jennifer, owner of Thoughts in Chaotic Clarity and Stiletto Set Sports I hope that in telling my story you will gain strength and comfort from knowing that you are not alone and that we have truly been blessed by wonderful mothers.

So to sum up...I guess we are all alittle strange in different ways. But in the end you do whats best for you...its really all you can do.

Read more...

How to Handle A Christmas Without Mom

I really don't know how we are going to do this. Nothing is the same and it never will be. I had no idea that Christmas 07 would be our last with mom. She shopped all year and bought the neatest gifts. Her favorite shopping spot was QVC. Everyone joked when mom passed that QVC's stocks dropped. Her house was decorated to perfection and she had her cookies baked and a box of them sent up to my brothers family in Alaska long with their gifts. Christmas dinner was not something for us to help or worry about until it was over and we had clean up duty. She took all the pictures, watched us kids (3 plus spouses) and grandkids (9) (her love and joys) unwrap gifts while tending to the last minute dinner preperations. I mean everything was perfect from the minute you walked in the door. Christmas music poured out into the holiday air while mom and pap (as my kids call my stepdad) created this almost fairly tale like atmosphere just for us. They wanted no gifts (too bad) They always said that their gift was us being there. I would like that gift this year too....I would like the gift of one more Christmas with mom.

Read more...

Mom Will Live Forever

After 7 months we received a clean bill of health, our hearts started pounding at a regular beat and the blocks that had been weighing on our shoulders were removed. Our rock, the woman who kept everything together and wonderful was going to live forever.

Mom went back to her full time job and continued as if life never stopped. Actually it didn't stop it just felt that way. Birthdays, picnics, Sundays, parties....life went on without that damn black cloud over us. Mom was feeling great, gaining weight and growning her hair back. The only thing left were those regular blood tests she had to continue to make sure everything was ok. Each time she went we all felt like we were holding our breath til she called with the results.

One day mom and I were talking and I had been reading up on lymphoma and cancers for some reason...not sure why and I was telling her that the longer you go in remission the better the odds of it not coming back. I believe we were on our 11th or 12th month when I told her this. We both looked at each other and smiled.

Read more...

And The Chemo Begins

With her second diagnosis of lymphoma of the stomach mom began chemo. She was working full time and we waited to see how her body was going to respond to it. Unfortunely she suffered severe fatigue, tireness and hair loss. We got acouple wigs and looked beautiful. She only wore them when she had to go out of the house because it made her itch and hot. Continuing to work during the 7 months she was being treated was not an option. During that time we all pitched in to do what needed done and to make things as stress free as possible so mom could try to deal with this disabiling treatment.

And of course regardless of how she felt, Sunday's never changed.

Read more...

Unexpected Ending

Last night I was watching a Christmas movie on tv. It was The Fonds or something like that and it had Jessica Parker and some other very famous stars in it. It was to be a comedy about a christmas gathering however I felt like someone slapped me half way thru the movie when you learn that the mother has cancer again and there is no hope. She doesn't want to tell the children til after Christmas. No where in the information that I read about the movie did they indicate that this was going to happen. At the end of the movie they are celebrating another Christmas but without the mother.

This really shook me up because my mom told my step dad that the cancer was back and that she had a bad feeling this time even though she did not go to see the doctor yet. How did she know it was back? She also told him not to let us kids know until after Christmas. How ironic.

Read more...

2nd Worst Day of My Life

About six months after mom had her spleen removed she started having problems eating. She would get sick, nausia, and overall just didn't feel well. She went to her family doctor and he ran some tests. She received a phone call that she was to be seen by a specialist. For some reason which I don't understand other then "I must have been sent by someone" I told mom that I would be going to the doctor appt with her and my step dad. So we are in the office waiting and one of the doctors come in. She starts talking about chemo and shit and we are sitting there looking at each other like WTF is she talking about. So I ask her why she needs chemo and the doctor tells us mom has cancer. She thought that we were already aware of this. Ummm NO!!!! The diagnois was Non-Hopkins Lymphoma in the stomach. All at once my mom and step dad start crying and I'm just stunned. I pull out a tablet and pen from my purse and proceed to question the doctor on a million things all while writing everything down. How I managed to keep my composure during that time I will never know. I have only seen my mother cry maybe 2 other times in my life and it was very hard to see. But I decided at that point that they were in no shape to deal with this information and it was up to me to get everything together for our next step.

The drive home was very quiet. No one spoke. We were within our own thoughts. When we got to my moms house she walked in and laid in the couch and cried. I needed time and I knew she did too so I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and that I would be back. I just needed some time alone to digest everything that had happened. My step dad took the rest of the day off and I don't remember if it was mom or me that notified my brothers of the news.

So that is how we found out my mom had cancer.

Read more...

About Mom

I guess I should have written this first but as I told you on my side bar I might flip flop around.

Mom was born on October 7th 1940 on her mother's kitchen table. Yes really. She has 10 other siblings and I know that only the youngest was born in a hospital. She married right out of high school and had us kids. My 2 older brothers and myself. My parents separated when I was 5 and mom raised us on her own. My father was still in the picture but mostly just financially. She took no crap from us kids and just her "look" made you set back. I'm so proud of the way she raised my brothers. They are wonderful, compassionate, reliable men. Granted we had our many fights but we were always there for each other no matter what. The four of us developed such a close bond that it made moms passing even harder on us. She remarried many years later to a wonderful man who brought her such love and devotion.

Mom was a home body just like her mother. She would rather have everyone come to her house then go out. So thats what happened. Regardless of what was going on we all went to my mothers every Sunday for dinner, picnics, watch football whatever. We were just there and together. Now we stopped in during the week too and mom and I always talked at least once a day. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and close friends started joining in on this weekly tradition. The house could get crowded and overrun by small children but we worked it out. She hosted many football parties, surprise parties, baby showers and holiday get togethers. Everyone wanted to be part of this incredible relationship we had with our family and mom made sure everyone felt welcomed.

Her top priority was her children. She often said "love me, love my children" She was very strong, outspoken and caring women. She was everyone's best friend and the only person you called when you needed help, advice or just someone to listen.

Before she passed she made us promise that Sundays would never change.

Read more...

For OneMore Day

I just read Mitch Albom's For One More Day
on Saturday. If you've every lost a loved one and wish you had that one last moment with them, or you have had regrets this is the book for you. Most people don't think about family or friends dying. But what if someone very close to you was no longer there? What would you do? How would you handle it? This book is wonderfully written and talks about the enternal power of a mother's love.

Read more...

Her First Symptom 2005

Mom underwent 6 months of tests and blood work. The reason behind this is that her spleen was enlarged and they were trying to determine why. All her tests and blood work were coming out fine and the doctors were baffled. (We'll talk about those idiots later on) They did not send her to John Hopkins or even suggest it they just decided to take out the spleen.

We waited 2 hours while mom was in surgery. When the surgeon came out he said it was the biggest spleen he had ever seen. They were sending it out for a biopsy and we would hear back.

The results showed that the spleen was full of lymphoma. However they explained that it was "self contained" and she will be fine. My brothers, step dad and other family members were relieved. Temporarily at least.

Read more...