When Cancer Strikes

2009-11-20T05:08:00.000-08:00

In May 08 my step dad went into the hospital for a total knee replacement. Mom was supposed to start chemo and she "instructed" her doctors that she would not be doing it because she needed to be home to take care of him. I just shook my head. She couldnt even take care of herself and she was going to take care of him. I think she just didn't want to be any worse for him.

The replacement went well and her was in the hospital for 2 or 3 days. We took turns spending the night with mom. She was relieved when he came home and much more relaxed. Now I was on double duty. Both needed cared for, medications, fed, etc. Nurse Kim LOL. Well 24 hour into his time home he started having problems. He couldnt breathe, his heart as racing, he was sweating. We called the ambulance and he was taken to the hospital where we spend many hours. He had blood clots. They increased his medication and we went home. Three nights later I got home and literally fell into bed at 7am. Ten minutes later mom called and he wasnt feeling good again. So back down I went. The ambulance was called again and this time they kept him and put something in his chest to keep any clots from going to his heart.

Once again at home we had to keep monitoring his blood count and a nurses was stopping by to see both him and mom. He started home therapy and after 2 weeks was getting around alot better.

Moms blood count was not good during this time. I was taking her in for white blood count shots every couple days. Eventually they gave me the shots to do at home...until she went back into the hospital.

Thank God for Family and Friends

2009-09-22T14:26:00.000-07:00

I'm really thankful for family and friends because I realize that some "caregivers" don't have this. It's unfortunate and I don't see how they do it. It's also funny because not until my mom passing did I even think of myself as a caregiver. I was just her daughter doing waht I needed to do.

Since I wasn't working, my brother in Alaska kept sending me money to live on and pay my bills. It wasn't a "loan". It was just his way of saying "thanks for taking care of mom" because a trip from Alaska to PA is not cheap or an easy task. He is the bread winner in his family and so he too is depended upon. We either talked or emailed daily on moms situation. It was a gift for me because at least some portion of my worry and stress of my own situation was taken from me.

My other brother Dan was having a very hard time with my mothers situation. It was almost like he was trying to "deny" it?????? I'm not sure and he would probably argue with me on this one. He does live close by and we did have "words". It selom happens and we have never stopped talking to each other but I just couldn't do it alone anymore. He needed to step up to the plate. And he did!

My moms sister was also a god sent. She spend nights with mom when needed and was just there to help out with whatever needed done. We did most of this with humor and laughter. It just got us through.

Moms friends were front and center. All you had to do was call unless they took it upon themselves just to do things without being asked.

We were very lucky to have these people in our lives during this time. Because it gets worse.

Days and Nights/Nights and Days

2009-09-22T13:55:00.001-07:00

By this time I had completely stopped working. I had no choice. Mom needed me. She could barely walk. We have no explanation for this except weakness. She also liked to grasp at things in the air. Medication. It makes you see strange things but she was able to laugh about it when she realized what she was doing. My days and nights began to blend into each other. Wake up at 7, shower and go down to moms. Clean, doctor appointments, medications, try to get her to eat, laundry. It was a full time job and one I cherished. The downside was my family wasn't seeing too much of me at this point. I knew the kids only had acouple more weeks of school left and I was still trying to get home before the kids, handling homework, cooking dinner...you know the drill. My step dad would come home to relieve me or a friend or family member.

Looking back I can now see that I was distancing myself from my family. Getting home I would be hounded with questions that I answered as brief as possible. I just didnt want to talk about it. This was my time away from the situation and I did NOT want to recall my day. I only wanted to slump into my bed, close my eyes and forget the days events. Unfortuntely my mother didnt have that luxury for she was up all night with the demands and pain that her body was inflicting upon her.

Another Dose

2009-09-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

A pet scan revealed that cancer had spread to other locations. Chest, spine, liver. They started her on a another round of chemo. Her symptoms continued. Night sweats, fevers, no sleep, exhaustion, fatigue and weak. We continued the 4 rounds of chemo and waited for another 6 weeks for the pet scan.

During that 6 week time mom seemed to really get bad. Her pain increased dramatically and she was terribly weak. She was no longer sleeping in her bed but on her recliner. The cough she had for months got worse and with each cough she was spitting up. She was put on tons of medication for the pain, etc all of which took its toll on her. She was no longer able to be left alone....hence me. My step father and everyone else needed to work. I did too but mom came first. She was the woman I loved and admired more then anyone. The doctors wanted to put her in the hospital but she declined. My step father was having complete knee surgery and she wanted to "be home to take care of him". It still cracks me up to this day. She couldnt take care of herself at this point but she did not want to be in a hospital bed when he came home.

Arrangements had to be made. Mom could not be home alone all night so we called upon friends and family to take shifts sleeping on the couch at night. I did my fair share but I did have kids that I needed to get up and ready for school because my husband too worked. We are very lucky to have a wonderful family and friends. No one even hesitated when asked to do this.

2009-05-29T07:48:00.000-07:00

Mom stopped working. It was just too much for her. She began getting chills and fevers that lasted for hours on end. Each fever had to be recorded and a call into the doctor. More medication was prescribed, tests ran and numerous visits to the doctors.

Radiation stopped and we had that 6 week wait til she could get tested again to see what was going on. They kept telling her that the cancer never should have come back the second time and that she was not "text book".

From this point on things moved very fast and the doctors really pissed me off. They really had no idea what they were dealing with and yet they would not consult with any other facilities for help.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket" All too true!!!!!

Getting back

2009-04-29T10:45:00.000-07:00

Ok its time to getting back to our story. Last time I talked about how we found out that tumors on her spine were creating the pain in her back and she was starting radiation.

They started the treatments and started her on steriods. She continued working full time but she couldn't sleep at night. The steriods were keeping her awake and she was just drained all the time.

January 27th I was at work and got a call from her best friend there Kim. She told me that something was wrong with my mom and that Earl was coming to get her and take her to the hospital. My heart immediately started racing. She said that she thinks she might have had a stroke and that her BP was extremely high. I left work with weak knees and drove to the hospital where I knew they would go. I walked inside the ER and there they sat. They were making her wait with people throwing up around her. I was pissed. She was not to be exposed to sick people because of her immune system and there she sat with a little boy literally throwing up in a bowl 2 seats away.

She said she felt ok but I could tell she was worried. She said that she was at work talking to a co-worker and all of a sudden the papers that were in her hand fell to the floor and she couldnt speak or move. The co worker got the manager and they took her to an office where they took her BP.

The hospital visit ended up like this. Mom had a mini stroke. They said its a warning sign and that she could have more. She decided that she needed to stop working. The lack of sleep, working 9 hours a day and doing radiation at the age of 66 was just too much. I was soo relieved to hear this. At least maybe she could get some cat naps in the afternoon because she had been going for days without any sleep at all.

January 18, 2008

2009-01-21T09:57:00.001-08:00

One year ago this month we learned that mom had 2 tumors on her back. She was scheduled to have radiation everyday for 2 weeks then another MRI. She was having pain in her back at Christmas but did not want anyone to know for fear of "ruining the holiday". The things moms will do for their children. The tumors were starting to invade her spine which is where her pain was coming from so they put her on steroids to take the swelling down. Her first appointment was today. Mom felt very uneasy and unsure of her outcome this time. Many people tell me that cancer patients just "know". I don't understand this but I believe and respect it. Everyone is on pins and needles worrying if this is going to work. I'm going to start cleaning for her once a week so she can rest after her treatments. She is going to continue working as long as everything goes ok.

Too much to remember

2009-01-09T16:35:00.000-08:00

I was beginning to write again this week and just thought about going into my deleted email to see if there was anything there to remind me of what was going on at this time last year and WOW! I was amazed at all the SHIT my poor mom went through! It's just not fair and it really makes me sick to my stomach. First of all I forgot alot of information and 2 at the time I was just going throught the motions of everything, but as I read back I feel totally heart broken at all my mom had to endure. She was the best mom, grandma, friend and you have these pieces of shit running wild in the world harming others. It just doesn't make sense. However thats life right? So the story about mom will go on as I get all these email to my family members in order.

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T03:31:00.000-08:00

I've decided to wait until after the New Year to continue my story about mom. I'm having way to many issues, anxiety and depressing moments as it is and I don't think recalling the past 3 years is in my best interest right now. However I will continue to post about whatever is on my mind like now.

The stress Im feeling right now I have NEVER felt at Christmas before. There are soo many things I have to do that mom took care of like Christmas dinner and organizing everything. I don't think my brothers, neices, step dad etc. realize what I'm going through. Everyone is depending on me. So today I will be baking a pie and cake for tomorrow and 10 pounds of potatoes for the inlaws. Finish wrapping my presents, laundry and SHOPPING all before heading over to the inlaws in the afternoon. We won't be getting back til late tonight to put the kids to bed and play Santa. Christmas morning I have to get up early put the ham in, watch the kids open presents, feed them, make potatoes, cleanup and get everyone showered and dressed to go to moms. I'll be taking the food and dessert down where I'll once again watch the kids and family members open gifts then head to the kitchen to make all the side dishes. This may not seems like alot but it's constant move move move. I wonder if maybe this isn't a blessing to keep me going so that my mind and emotions don't get the better of me. I'll just zoom past Christmas with no time to dwell on my grief and pissed off attitude that I don't have mom around. And to top it off I wrapped presents for my step dad on Sunday then on Monday I went back down to wrap more. These presents were from my mom that she had purchased from Jan - April. She had the presents marked who they went to and there I was sitting on the floor writing From: Grandma From: mom.

Do they even appreciate all that I'm trying to do for them? Did we appreciate all that mom did for us?

People Are Strange!

2008-12-20T05:51:00.000-08:00

Period. Seriously I believe there are more freaks out there in the world then there are decent human beings. I mean come on, people getting married on the internet that have never met and only spoken to thru email? I find this not only strange but very very weird. And then something happens to directly affects me. I start this blog and I meet a woman who is going through the same feelings and anxiety that I am from losing her mom. I have only left her a note here or there and she has left me acouple on my blog. However strange as it seems everytime I read her comment its like I get a jolt and my mind starts racing and I start recalling talks and situations with mom. I find this alittle odd but Im starting to wonder if both our moms are watching us and knowing my mom pointing and laughing. So Jennifer, owner of Thoughts in Chaotic Clarity and Stiletto Set Sports I hope that in telling my story you will gain strength and comfort from knowing that you are not alone and that we have truly been blessed by wonderful mothers.

So to sum up...I guess we are all alittle strange in different ways. But in the end you do whats best for you...its really all you can do.

How to Handle A Christmas Without Mom

2008-12-19T07:15:00.000-08:00

I really don't know how we are going to do this. Nothing is the same and it never will be. I had no idea that Christmas 07 would be our last with mom. She shopped all year and bought the neatest gifts. Her favorite shopping spot was QVC. Everyone joked when mom passed that QVC's stocks dropped. Her house was decorated to perfection and she had her cookies baked and a box of them sent up to my brothers family in Alaska long with their gifts. Christmas dinner was not something for us to help or worry about until it was over and we had clean up duty. She took all the pictures, watched us kids (3 plus spouses) and grandkids (9) (her love and joys) unwrap gifts while tending to the last minute dinner preperations. I mean everything was perfect from the minute you walked in the door. Christmas music poured out into the holiday air while mom and pap (as my kids call my stepdad) created this almost fairly tale like atmosphere just for us. They wanted no gifts (too bad) They always said that their gift was us being there. I would like that gift this year too....I would like the gift of one more Christmas with mom.

Mom Will Live Forever

2008-12-19T06:34:00.001-08:00

After 7 months we received a clean bill of health, our hearts started pounding at a regular beat and the blocks that had been weighing on our shoulders were removed. Our rock, the woman who kept everything together and wonderful was going to live forever.

Mom went back to her full time job and continued as if life never stopped. Actually it didn't stop it just felt that way. Birthdays, picnics, Sundays, parties....life went on without that damn black cloud over us. Mom was feeling great, gaining weight and growning her hair back. The only thing left were those regular blood tests she had to continue to make sure everything was ok. Each time she went we all felt like we were holding our breath til she called with the results.

One day mom and I were talking and I had been reading up on lymphoma and cancers for some reason...not sure why and I was telling her that the longer you go in remission the better the odds of it not coming back. I believe we were on our 11th or 12th month when I told her this. We both looked at each other and smiled.

And The Chemo Begins

2008-12-15T04:55:00.001-08:00

With her second diagnosis of lymphoma of the stomach mom began chemo. She was working full time and we waited to see how her body was going to respond to it. Unfortunely she suffered severe fatigue, tireness and hair loss. We got acouple wigs and looked beautiful. She only wore them when she had to go out of the house because it made her itch and hot. Continuing to work during the 7 months she was being treated was not an option. During that time we all pitched in to do what needed done and to make things as stress free as possible so mom could try to deal with this disabiling treatment.

And of course regardless of how she felt, Sunday's never changed.

Unexpected Ending

2008-12-10T04:55:00.000-08:00

Last night I was watching a Christmas movie on tv. It was The Fonds or something like that and it had Jessica Parker and some other very famous stars in it. It was to be a comedy about a christmas gathering however I felt like someone slapped me half way thru the movie when you learn that the mother has cancer again and there is no hope. She doesn't want to tell the children til after Christmas. No where in the information that I read about the movie did they indicate that this was going to happen. At the end of the movie they are celebrating another Christmas but without the mother.

This really shook me up because my mom told my step dad that the cancer was back and that she had a bad feeling this time even though she did not go to see the doctor yet. How did she know it was back? She also told him not to let us kids know until after Christmas. How ironic.

2nd Worst Day of My Life

2008-12-09T07:25:00.001-08:00

About six months after mom had her spleen removed she started having problems eating. She would get sick, nausia, and overall just didn't feel well. She went to her family doctor and he ran some tests. She received a phone call that she was to be seen by a specialist. For some reason which I don't understand other then "I must have been sent by someone" I told mom that I would be going to the doctor appt with her and my step dad. So we are in the office waiting and one of the doctors come in. She starts talking about chemo and shit and we are sitting there looking at each other like WTF is she talking about. So I ask her why she needs chemo and the doctor tells us mom has cancer. She thought that we were already aware of this. Ummm NO!!!! The diagnois was Non-Hopkins Lymphoma in the stomach. All at once my mom and step dad start crying and I'm just stunned. I pull out a tablet and pen from my purse and proceed to question the doctor on a million things all while writing everything down. How I managed to keep my composure during that time I will never know. I have only seen my mother cry maybe 2 other times in my life and it was very hard to see. But I decided at that point that they were in no shape to deal with this information and it was up to me to get everything together for our next step.

The drive home was very quiet. No one spoke. We were within our own thoughts. When we got to my moms house she walked in and laid in the couch and cried. I needed time and I knew she did too so I gave her a hug, told her I loved her and that I would be back. I just needed some time alone to digest everything that had happened. My step dad took the rest of the day off and I don't remember if it was mom or me that notified my brothers of the news.

So that is how we found out my mom had cancer.

About Mom

2008-12-07T07:21:00.000-08:00

I guess I should have written this first but as I told you on my side bar I might flip flop around.

Mom was born on October 7th 1940 on her mother's kitchen table. Yes really. She has 10 other siblings and I know that only the youngest was born in a hospital. She married right out of high school and had us kids. My 2 older brothers and myself. My parents separated when I was 5 and mom raised us on her own. My father was still in the picture but mostly just financially. She took no crap from us kids and just her "look" made you set back. I'm so proud of the way she raised my brothers. They are wonderful, compassionate, reliable men. Granted we had our many fights but we were always there for each other no matter what. The four of us developed such a close bond that it made moms passing even harder on us. She remarried many years later to a wonderful man who brought her such love and devotion.

Mom was a home body just like her mother. She would rather have everyone come to her house then go out. So thats what happened. Regardless of what was going on we all went to my mothers every Sunday for dinner, picnics, watch football whatever. We were just there and together. Now we stopped in during the week too and mom and I always talked at least once a day. Aunts, uncles, cousins, and close friends started joining in on this weekly tradition. The house could get crowded and overrun by small children but we worked it out. She hosted many football parties, surprise parties, baby showers and holiday get togethers. Everyone wanted to be part of this incredible relationship we had with our family and mom made sure everyone felt welcomed.

Her top priority was her children. She often said "love me, love my children" She was very strong, outspoken and caring women. She was everyone's best friend and the only person you called when you needed help, advice or just someone to listen.

Before she passed she made us promise that Sundays would never change.

For OneMore Day

2008-12-07T06:32:00.001-08:00

I just read Mitch Albom's For One More Day
on Saturday. If you've every lost a loved one and wish you had that one last moment with them, or you have had regrets this is the book for you. Most people don't think about family or friends dying. But what if someone very close to you was no longer there? What would you do? How would you handle it? This book is wonderfully written and talks about the enternal power of a mother's love.

Her First Symptom 2005

2008-12-05T10:51:00.000-08:00

Mom underwent 6 months of tests and blood work. The reason behind this is that her spleen was enlarged and they were trying to determine why. All her tests and blood work were coming out fine and the doctors were baffled. (We'll talk about those idiots later on) They did not send her to John Hopkins or even suggest it they just decided to take out the spleen.

We waited 2 hours while mom was in surgery. When the surgeon came out he said it was the biggest spleen he had ever seen. They were sending it out for a biopsy and we would hear back.

The results showed that the spleen was full of lymphoma. However they explained that it was "self contained" and she will be fine. My brothers, step dad and other family members were relieved. Temporarily at least.